Archive for the ‘Leadership’ Category

Jealousy and the Heart

Posted: March 21, 2012 by efficienista in Connection Groups, Leadership

How do we define success?

If we are only measuring our significance by numbers: audience size, number of people who attend our Connection Groups, twitter followers, comments responded to, how big is our budget, our definition of success is based on jealousy and pride. Success is about “you.” Success focused solely on you will always be a life suck.

If we redefine success by looking at quality of life improved, hearts encouraged, faith increased, prayers answered, relationships reconciled, spirits renewed, new leaders being raised up, our definition is “others” oriented. Success focused on others can be life giving and rock your world for the better.

• How do you think God would define success?
• Are you celebrating life change or just an increase in numbers?
• When others succeed, how does your heart respond?

Bonus Round:

• What are the top three qualities and actions of those who you would deem successful?
• If you had 5 minutes with them, what questions would you ask to learn and grow from them?
• How can you add value back to them?
• What would it take to make that conversation happen?

(This blog post is inspired by reading Mark Batterson’s book The Circle Maker and listening to Andy Stanley’s Leadership Podcast on Jealousy)

Guest post by Cara Donahue

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Radical Listening

Posted: March 1, 2012 by kylejackson10 in Connection Groups, Leadership
Tags: , , ,

As leaders, we often think we are the ones to do the majority of talking, sharing, giving, etc. The following is a challenging post on how we can communicate effectively and impactfully through listening by Helen Mitchell, Director of Workplace Ministry at Saddleback Church:

Ever felt like the person you were talking to was a great listener – they heard what you said and also seemed to know just what you were experiencing? How did that feel? Probably pretty good, because few motives are as powerful as the desire to be known and understood by others.

Good listeners not only take in information but also validate the other person’s experience. Unfortunately, most of us really are not good compassionate listeners.

A small group should be a safe place to be vulnerable and transparent. How we listen to one another creates that environment of safety, acceptance, love and trust. When someone is sharing something deep, personal and important to them, they are opening their very life to you. How you respond as a listener will either leave them feeling accepted or feeling isolated.

Five common mistakes:

  • Turning the focus of the conversation from the person to ourselves – It is not about you. “That reminds me of the time…” or “Let me tell you what happened…” or…..
  • Dismissing what they said and how they feel about what they said. “Don’t feel that way….” or “Too bad….” or “I’ll pray for you…!”
  • Minimizing their experience or pain. “It’s not that bad….” or “It will all work out…remember Romans 8:28…” or “I have a friend who went through the same thing….”
  • Looking around while they are talking, greeting passersby or texting and emailing when they are talking to you.
  • Trying to solve it for them. “Well, if I were you…” or “Haven’t we talked about this before?”
    Five practices of a great listener:

    • Show compassion. When we grasp what they are trying to say we’re building a bond of understanding and trust.
    • Reflect back to them both what it is you heard them say and how it makes them feel. Don’t sensationalize, minimize or add to what they told you. Sometimes just saying, “I’m sorry…” is what they need.
    • Let them talk – don’t interrupt. The details of who, what, where, when and why are generally for our benefit and do nothing to give the other person space to share their burden or joy.
    • Ask for clarification and/or restating what it is they said. Sometimes the person will talk fast and let it all spill out like a fire hydrant leaving you feel wind whipped. It is okay to interrupt with, “Wait a minute. I want to be sure I understand this….” And then try to restate what they told you and how they felt, to make sure you got it.
    • Be physically present. Face the person and maintain eye contact. Watch your posture – unfold your arms and legs.

    Don’t try to fix their problem or join them in criticizing and judging others.
    Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15 (NIV)

One of the biggest things I have learned about being a leader is you WILL be criticized. Being criticized hurts but it is worth it! John Maxwell says, “When you get kicked in the rear, you know you are out front.”

Not everyone handles criticism the same. Some try to ignore it. Some try to defend themselves against it. Others, make witty and sarcastic remarks to put a critic in his place. The truth is, if you are a leader you WILL get criticized.

There are three things I have learned to use as a filter when being criticized:

1.) Who criticized me?– If it is coming from someone close to you or someone you admire or look up to then the criticism is worth looking into.

2.) How was the criticism given?- I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. You have to determine if the person was being judgmental or do they have real concern.

3.) Why was the criticism given?- Was it given out of personal hurt or for my benefit? When people are feeling hurt by you they will lash out and criticize you. Hurting people want to hurt other people.

Once I have used those filters during a moment of criticism I then work through what I was being criticized about. I try not to be defensive. I look for the grain of truth in the criticism. Then, I make changes if I need to.

I have learned that secure leaders never need to defend themselves. Even when the person who is criticizing is so far off from the truth. If you worry about what other people think about you it’s because you have more confidence in their opinion than you have in your own.

As I have learned this principle of “When you are getting kicked in the rear, you know you are out front” I think back to all the criticism I took early on as a leader. I use to respond to it with anger or sarcastic remarks. Now, I filter through the three things you read above. It is much easier to sleep at night when you filter through those principles.

When you are a leader you WILL be criticized! Know that it is worth it!

– Kyle

@KyleJackson1